Big Ideas for Mini Golf
In both quantity and quality, Portland's miniature golf courses suck. There isn't much close to us, and the ones that are are either way too kid-oriented, like Bullwinkle's (a sign that says "Family Fun Center" may as well say VERBOTEN in huge block letters to me), or too dull, like Hazel Dell Golf-o-Rama in Vancouver, which consists almost entirely of hilly or uncomplicated courses, with the occasional stationary object (rocket, cannon, what have you) dropped in the middle of the fairway.
Despite the lack of both lighthouse or windmill (or indeed, any moving obstacle), we went to Hazel Dell yesterday as part of my birthday festivities because I love miniature golf anytime and anywhere. I kind of got a hole-in-one, if you don't count the shot I had just before it in which I slammed the ball off the side of a tiny barn and onto another course. (I had to start over, then got the hole-in-one - and no, no one was injured, thank you very much!) I suppose that's what I get for complaining about the barn doors just being wide open, not opening and closing like they would on a technologically far superior Pennsylvania course.
But I ended up having more fun imagining the miniature golf course I would create if I became an eccentric millionaire and could do anything I wanted. I would model each hole off a classic movie, and it would be something like this:
1. Vertigo
A circular optical illusion would be just above the hole to try and throw off your focus.
2. Casablanca
There'd be a plane over the hole, and you'd have to hit through the plane's whirling propellers to get the ball in.
3. The Wizard of Oz
Brian suggested coloring the turf yellow, as in the yellow brick road, and the hole would be behind a curtain.
4. Touch of Evil
You'd have to hit the ball through a chaotic Mexican barrio, like the one Charlton Heston and Janet Leigh walk through during those awesome first 3 mins of the movie.
5. Manhattan
The ball would go over a miniature reproduction of the 59th Street Bridge, which is what Woody Allen and Diane Keaton sit in front of when they spend all night walking around New York.
6. Lawrence of Arabia
I wonder if wind would blow the sand from the dunes into the other courses....
7. Sunset Boulevard
You'd have to hit it across a big pool.
8. Star Wars
This one was easy. There'd be a big model Death Star in the center, and you have to use the force to make sure the ball gets right into the hole to blow up the Death Star.
9. 2001
The ball would have to go around a coil a few times, like the astronauts running in 360 degree circles in zero gravity.
10. To Kill a Mockingbird
You'd have to hit the ball through Boo Radley's house... so you'd never be sure if it would come back out or not....
11. Close Encounters of the Third Kind
The ball would have to make its way through a maze of creepy reproductions of Devil's Mountain.
12. Breakfast at Tiffany's
You'd have to hit the ball through a miniature model of the New York Public Library.
13. Apocalypse Now
The course would be like a jungle, and the hole would be camouflaged.
I still need a few more. I know the 18th hole would be Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and you'd just have to try and knock it out of the park with the slim hope that you'd win a free game. But here's the tricky one - just what would kind of hole could I create for Monty Python and the Holy Grail?
Funny, the best mini golf course I've ever played was in Somerset County, Pennsylvania. They must take their mini golf pretty seriously out there.
Posted by: Ned | June 28, 2005 at 09:11 AM
LOVE the post -- thought of a few more. They're here: http://tripod.typepad.com/weblog/2005/06/variations_on_a.html.
Cheers!
Posted by: Jeff | June 29, 2005 at 09:57 AM
Those are killer! I particularly love: "The "Memento" hole: Start at the hole and aim for the tee."
Posted by: Valarie | June 29, 2005 at 11:58 AM
Great post. More recommended holes:
THE USUAL SUSPECTS: You putt your way carefully and strategically toward the hole, only to find at the end that the ball IS the hole.
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: You must putt the ball precisely into the idol's head, or a 15-foot-high, 1-ton golf ball comes rolling after you.
JAWS: As the tee sinks slowly into the ocean, you have just one shot to hit the air tank in the shark's mouth.
THE THIRD MAN: You must putt the ball through the Vienna sewer, up the giant Ferris Wheel, and into a cuckoo clock.
And, for THE HOLY GRAIL: Three is the number thou shalt putt, and the number of the putting shall be three. Four thou shalt not putt, nor shalt thou putt two, excepting that thou then putteth three. Then shalt thou lobbeth thy Holy Golf Ball at thine enemy, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Posted by: Matt | June 29, 2005 at 02:45 PM
How about a "Raising Arizona" hole? The ball must pop up out of the ground, travel through five crawling babies, roll down the diaper aisle of a convenience store, and then shoot on up the barrel of the gun belonging to the Lone Biker of the Apocalypse. Oh ... and you have to wear pantyhose on your head while you putt.
Posted by: Beth | July 06, 2005 at 08:20 PM
DEEP IMPACT: as the ball approaches the hole, Bruce Willis appears, smirks, and blows it in half. Billions cheer.
Posted by: zac | July 07, 2005 at 12:27 AM
I don't know which upsets me more: that Zac just cast Bruce Willis in DEEP IMPACT rather than ARMAGEDDON, or the fact that I had to comment on it.
Cracked me up anyway.
Posted by: Jg | July 07, 2005 at 01:52 AM
The ball would travel between four different holes (representing knights) as the bunny rabbit with fangs.
Posted by: dave | July 07, 2005 at 02:40 AM
FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS:
Nothing is as it seems. The turf would undulate and mysterious holes would open up, sending the ball elsewhere. The hole appears to be tiny, but if you get it anywhere near, it goes in.
Posted by: seth | July 07, 2005 at 06:43 AM
DONNIE DARKO: A long straight course with the obvious hole at the end. You putt, and just before your ball drops into the cup, an airplane engine falls out of the sky and smashes it.
THE BIG LEBOWSKI: The hole is hidden behind or beneath ten bowling pins. If you sink it, the concession stand brings you a White Russian (or if you're underage, a glass of watery milk with ice in it).
THE HUSTLER: There are colored golf balls all over the turf. You must wield your putter like a pool cue, and sink each of them in the hole. If you putt your white ball into the hole, a staffer removes it and places it back on the tee and says, loudly, "Scratch!"
Posted by: Jg | July 07, 2005 at 11:55 AM
Oh, and the Raising Arizona fairway can have a pattern on it. What kind, you ask? One with "Yodas and shit" on it!
Love the Donnie Darko one, too, but I think someone in a mysterious, malicious bunny suit should have to stand next to you while you putt. And you have to get it through the legs of an old woman walking back and forth over the course to get her mail.
I could also do one for My Own Private Idaho, where the course looks like a long road, but a barn keeps crashing down in the middle of it.
Posted by: Valarie | July 07, 2005 at 12:14 PM
How about a Lethal Weapon hole. Danny Glover's head pops out of the hole and says 'You're too old for this sh*t'.
or the Woodstock hole.
Putt through a field of mud into a Porto-san cubicle. (For us Brits this could be the Glastonbury Hole)
or the Back to the Future hole. Ball is delivered to the hole behind you when putted.
Posted by: Trevor London | July 11, 2005 at 02:04 AM
The ball should leave a trail of flame, too, if possible. Or it should stop, and a small door should open in the side, and a crazed guy with white hair should jump out and say, You rear-ended my time machine!
Posted by: Jg | July 14, 2005 at 05:47 PM
Thoseare some clever hole designs. I especially like the Touch of Evil and Star Wars. So when can we play. lol
Posted by: Ashworth | March 03, 2008 at 11:04 AM
Nice Post. It’s really a very good article regarding "Mini Golf".
Posted by: Miniature Golf Center | July 02, 2009 at 03:08 AM