In both quantity and quality, Portland's miniature golf courses suck. There isn't much close to us, and the ones that are are either way too kid-oriented, like Bullwinkle's (a sign that says "Family Fun Center" may as well say VERBOTEN in huge block letters to me), or too dull, like Hazel Dell Golf-o-Rama in Vancouver, which consists almost entirely of hilly or uncomplicated courses, with the occasional stationary object (rocket, cannon, what have you) dropped in the middle of the fairway.
Despite the lack of both lighthouse or windmill (or indeed, any moving obstacle), we went to Hazel Dell yesterday as part of my birthday festivities because I love miniature golf anytime and anywhere. I kind of got a hole-in-one, if you don't count the shot I had just before it in which I slammed the ball off the side of a tiny barn and onto another course. (I had to start over, then got the hole-in-one - and no, no one was injured, thank you very much!) I suppose that's what I get for complaining about the barn doors just being wide open, not opening and closing like they would on a technologically far superior Pennsylvania course.
But I ended up having more fun imagining the miniature golf course I would create if I became an eccentric millionaire and could do anything I wanted. I would model each hole off a classic movie, and it would be something like this:
A circular optical illusion would be just above the hole to try and throw off your focus.
There'd be a plane over the hole, and you'd have to hit through the plane's whirling propellers to get the ball in.
3. The Wizard of Oz
Brian suggested coloring the turf yellow, as in the yellow brick road, and the hole would be behind a curtain.
4. Touch of Evil
You'd have to hit the ball through a chaotic Mexican barrio, like the one Charlton Heston and Janet Leigh walk through during those awesome first 3 mins of the movie.
The ball would go over a miniature reproduction of the 59th Street Bridge, which is what Woody Allen and Diane Keaton sit in front of when they spend all night walking around New York.
6. Lawrence of Arabia
I wonder if wind would blow the sand from the dunes into the other courses....
7. Sunset Boulevard
You'd have to hit it across a big pool.
8. Star Wars
This one was easy. There'd be a big model Death Star in the center, and you have to use the force to make sure the ball gets right into the hole to blow up the Death Star.
The ball would have to go around a coil a few times, like the astronauts running in 360 degree circles in zero gravity.
10. To Kill a Mockingbird
You'd have to hit the ball through Boo Radley's house... so you'd never be sure if it would come back out or not....
11. Close Encounters of the Third Kind
The ball would have to make its way through a maze of creepy reproductions of Devil's Mountain.
12. Breakfast at Tiffany's
You'd have to hit the ball through a miniature model of the New York Public Library.
13. Apocalypse Now
The course would be like a jungle, and the hole would be camouflaged.
I still need a few more. I know the 18th hole would be Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and you'd just have to try and knock it out of the park with the slim hope that you'd win a free game. But here's the tricky one - just what would kind of hole could I create for Monty Python and the Holy Grail?